As I open my INBOX in the press room today this is the first e-mail I see -- from film colleague and editor Tom, in Prague; "Ahoy, Alex: Sounds like you're having a helluva time over there! -- Vino pouring freely, sexy women lurking everywhere -- la dolce vita! Did you see the Scorsese flick? How was the press conference? Haven't been too impressed with him lately and Di Caprio can kiss my ass, but Marty did make a few great ones. Always waiting for the comeback. Tom"
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Ahoy, Tomasso -- Life is pretty sweet here in Rome at the moment, and you asked about Scorcese! I was just getting ready to knock out the usual cagey, diplomatic, journalistically correct (JC) review of "The Departed" but with you, of course, don't have to hedge my bets or pull my punches, and can tell the Truth -- the Hole Truth, and nothing but The Truth -- So, for openers, the bottom line is, NO --this is not the great comeback for Scorcese -- in fact it's a regression even further back into obvious crass commercialism than was "Aviator", which was pretty damn regressive, not to mention a pile of horseshit. To start with, both Nicholson AND Dicaprio were SERIOUSLY miscast -- The best role in the whole film is MARK WAHLBERG --(fast becoming my favorite Hollywood actor) -- who should get a Purple Heart for having to give his all in the company of these phoney stars who walk away with all the credit --as if there was anything creditable to speak of -- while he actually k eeps this monstrosity afloat whenever he's on. The interview following the press screening was FAR more interesting than the film itself, which I found hard to actually sit out and squirm through.

For one thing, too much rapid artsy-fartsy intercutting between the parallel stories of how Dicaprio and Damon infiltrate the police deptartment and The Mob, respectively. The whole shebang was far too intricate for a Boston based gangsta Story and shoulda "stayed in bed", which is to say, in Hong Kong, where it started out -- and where it belongs. An exercise in glossy bullshit all around --(nobody can accuse Scorcese of not making Good-Looking, high-GLOSS films -- even if there's no 'there' there otherwise...) and also -- according to Scorcese in the following Press Con, an excercise in "experimentation". Well, maybe that was the problem -- It's so experimental that it falls apart in every other scene without ever getting it together anywhere in between. The only thing that makes it more or less tolerable are the very good supporting roles by Alec Baldwin (always good), Wahlberg (always superb), and Martin Sheen (always interesting, especially now with white hair), but there is one key supporting role that is pathetically bad --the police psychiatrist, played by an unknown (and unappealing) actress by the name of Vera Farmiga. For Christ Sake -- Whoopy Goldberg would have done a much better job! This gal must be a friend of the family -- in fact the whole film feels to me like an expensive home movie made by Scorcese for and with his family and friends. The bottom Line? --"Pee-Yoo" --"The Departed" sucks heavily. Glad you asked.

By the way the Italian press and public both lapped it up by the Loving Spoonfull, but then, they were filtering it through the Italian subtitles -- which made it gain things that weren't there -- or shall we say, were "FOUND IN TRANSLATION -- Coppola that with the simple fact that neither Scorcese nor Dicaprio can possibly do Any Wrong here in Italy -- even if they ate spaghetti with chopsticks -- and you've got another smash hit here for Marty boy. Given the obvious star power of the main cast and the advance (paid-off?) hype to the effect that Marty is "back in stride doing his gangster stuff", I would be hesitant to predict that this awful picture will go under in America, but somebody watching the parade just hasta come out and say it --that the king ain't wearing a single goddamn stitch!

As for the main roles, it's maybe not so much that Jack Nicholson was miscast as an Irish Maffia don, but rather that he's gotten to be such a gigantic Ham that all he ever does anymore is imitate himself as the Devil in "The Witches of Salem", or play an old creep on constant viagra overdose. To my mind, he's had an interesting career but it's time for him to stay in bed --for good! Nevertheless, because of some sort of star-inertia principle (a moving Hollywood Box Office Force tends to keep moving in a straight line as long as money can be drained out of it) , his face and name still sell tickets at the B.O. Viggo Mortensen would have been more credible in the role. As for Leonardo -- well, to see the way he beats the shit out of all kinds of heavy thugs in this pic, with the greatest of ease, you'd hafta think he was the baddest ass who ever lived. A bare-knuckled Billy The Kid, when actually we all know he's a frail, sensitive, loving chap who wouldn't hurty a fly -- be cause he doesn't have the strength to! This has about the same credibility level as a tubercular looking Montgomery Clift knocking John Wayne for a loop in "Red River". Matt Damon, the third big name in the cast, is acceptable since he's not called on to do anything but what he always does best -- a grown up hoodlum with a working-class Boston accent who wishes he could have made it to Harvard. Hate to disappoint you, pal, but let me know what you think when you get to see it -- and just remember: Never trust a flim critic! -- For my Next Exclusive -- stand by for two exceptionally interesting press conference reports -- Scorcese and Dicaprio, followed by Richard the Gere.
Alex in the press room, Rome.